Okay, I've seen a lot of other people having these on their journals, and since we're fairly complex, we decided to make a general info post for our group. *Subject to change, letting you know*

( Cut to save your f-list... )

 (Okay, first off? It's getting *really* annoying, having advertisements on my own journal. Please stop that, LJ.)

Anyway... been a while since we last posted. At my mom's house now- we just finished cleaning out the rabbit's cage, which is never fun, but at least breathing's getting easier.

Yesterday was insanely productive, even though we spent an hour or two on WoW. (And I thought I had broken my addiction. HAH! Paul/John aren't giving it up, and Pokemon's driving me up the wall.) Got all our homework done and managed to finish the Beatles fanfic from hell we were working on. A little over six months, I think. July 28-February 6. O.o Waaaay too long for a story. I used to be able to finish stories in a month. (Ryou: Though remember, they weren't nearly as long. Ten pages, perhaps?)

...Yeah. Still, that story was just killing me, and I'm so glad it's done. Going to put up the last chapter on the commun today, and then... hm. Guess we'll get back to work on the novel. I've got another Beatles oneshot (hopefully) thing I was working on a while ago, and there's another fanfic/novel idea I wanna do, and there was yet *another* novel idea I've seemed to drop by the wayside for even longer... dunno about that one. But at least things aren't going to be dull. (Though I cringe at the thought, I think I might start re-writing the novel from scratch. Probably will keep lots of things, but need to take it apart and renovate it instead of making it a patchwork. I *really* want to get this thing published someday...)

Hey, I guess that means I'll be checking out the Spork Room again. God, I've missed that place.
Anyway, we've got some stuff to do (maybe including checking out the snow, since we got a TON Friday night/Saturday..), so we'll see you all later! :)

(Using William's icon for feeling purposes. Still Ritchie typing.)

 Yesterday was the most amazing day we've had in a long time. It started out like a normal Saturday, getting to sleep in (to 7:45. :P), relaxing on the computer all morning... got my hair cut, finally, so it's nice and short again. Spent some time on a brain-training website that my dad found. Whether it works or not, it's addicting, and it's better to play probably than WoW. (Haven't played *that* in almost a month. o.o Pokemon broke my addiction XD)

Even though things were only a tad above average starting out, music was on almost all day, and the radio was giving constant wonderful music. Heard three Beatles songs at least during the day, and Piano Man. I was a happy camper.

Dad's girlfriend came over for dinner, and it was fun cooking. I made flan, which was AMAZING. Just had some for breakfast which is probably why I'm acting so hyper already... But really, I didn't know you could make it at home, so it was great. Can't wait to tell my Spanish teacher.

Then finally... the best part of the day. We went out to see Avatar last night. ...I cannot accurately describe in words how that movie made me feel. It was so beautiful, the world and people seemed so real, and I really felt like I was inside the world. There were so many times I wanted to yell at the screen, both in anger and joy; when we left the theater, I felt completely drained of energy, like I'd been doing a lot of complicated interaction with the guys, and yet also so elated at having experienced something like that. I completely understand other people's reactions to it now. Don't know if I would want to live there, with it being very likely to die everywhere you go, but I do love that world.

During a lot of scenes, especially the flying ones and the big battles with the humans, I had so many sensations of "I know this place!", or unreasonable bursts of anger and sadness as certain things happened. Knowing my tendency to bond quickly and easily, I expect I was bonding with some people/creatures. Not certain if there will be an actual soulbond here from that world, but it's a very easy movie to get lost in. I loved it.

I also loved that it's making me rethink some of my beliefs that I've had... I've had a belief system for a while, but I don't think I'd ever really thought in depth about it, and its relation to soulbonding... There were a lot of times from this movie when I really felt like one of the creatures. Not saying I'm believing that I'm 'kin or anything, just that having those feelings makes me what to re-evaluate things, because what if I was? How would that fit in? So I guess that'll be something to ponder.

Anyway, I just wanted to put down my feelings while they were still fairly fresh. We have a busy day ahead of us. Hope it's as good as yesterday. :)

 Hello, all. Lovely to meet you all, but this has to be quick. Brother wants the computer soon.

Today was draining. No better word for it. Started off tense- raining cats and dogs outside, and inside... (our bedroom window leaks at the apartment.) It continued for most of the day- thankfully not while we were walking home. Too many things to carry...

Luckily, it doesn't seem as if the teachers will be the problem with school this semester. (The last time I was here, that was the chief concern.) Though the old teachers are missed, I think we can get to like the new ones. Or at least, I think I can- I was out, or at least hovering in the background for most of the day. Ritchie's disappointed in Spanish already. Level 4, now, and there are still students who don't seem to know much or care for the language at all. There's also a substitute until Monday. Not the best way to start things off...

English seems as if it'll be all right. He wrote his new name, though, on the information card the teacher handed out, under "preferred name." I'm worrying that that might come back in a bad way at some point. Hoping it won't. Though that was also a sticking point causing much frustration today. He attempted to pass as male today as much as possible- luckily for that, many students in our classes we don't know, but I don't think it'll work out well in the long run, and having teachers saying our name multiple times got to be tiresome and irritating, to say the least.

No one's at lunch with us, though our best friend said he might try and sneak over to our cafeteria. I hope he does- though I enjoy reading, it's not quite as much fun when you're shoved up against people you don't recognize.

I heard many expressions of interest during the introduction to chemistry today. Ritchie isn't sure he'll like it, but the prospect of mixing chemicals and things like that has wormed its way into the thoughts of most of the others. John and Yusuke in particular, I believe, and perhaps my Yami, though we'll have to keep him away from things. I don't want to find out he's been trying to hurt people again.

Ended the day with math, and while it seems that we'll be drowning in geometry by the time this year's over, at least it doesn't seem too difficult so far. If it comes to it, George, Shuu and I can help out.

*sigh* That got rather long winded. Surprised we weren't interrupted during that, but then again... I do type quickly. Hope to get to know you all well while I'm here, and to see you again soon. :)

~Ryou

 Well, today *started out* nicely. Relaxed, read, did some French (which I am loving, by the way), played with the rabbit. I was half out this morning while Ritchie was reading. The Hobbit is a lovely book- don't think we've read it before. Ritchie's done some drawing for the novel, which looks nice.

Geo and Ringo had fun during lessons today. Doing Taxman for guitar, which is becoming tedious (in my mind, not theirs), and While My Guitar Gently Weeps for drums. Ritchie was feeling self conscious for some reason (seems to quite a lot, on drums), so Ringo helped him a out a little, and the instructor was proud of us. Rings was pleased, an' he's going to try and encourage Ritchie to practice fills this week.

Afternoon was fairly relaxing, too. Heard some good music on the radio, got some work done.. and then dinner sort of ruined the mood of the day. Mother told us that we'll probably have to move again this summer. She's hoping it'll still be in the same apartment complex, but Ritchie's a little upset. He's talked about it with two friends already tonight, and thinks he'll be okay. Besides, there's college in two years or so, anyway. But he's upset about having to re-put his spirit into a whole new room. (And change isn't his thing. I've noticed that, even only being around since this summer.) I really do think we'll be fine (though summer in general seems to be an anxious time, he's worried about the rabbit, the small things about the place he really does like that might be gone, like seeing the sunrise..)

But we're also trying to help him with a list of good things. We'll all adapt, maybe we'll get a view of the sun*set* (which, in Geo's opinion, is much more beautiful), maybe the new bedroom window won't leak, things like that. It'll be hard, but we seem to be a strong bunch. In any case, we've got good friends, both online and off. :)

Wish I had had something happier to talk about, but I suppose that's how things are. Love you all, see you later.

~Paul

These last two days have been *amazing.* Starting with Thursday night, one of my first soulbonds came back to visit (Bakura from Yugioh)- I'd been watching his source, suddenly felt a pressure like somebody was there, said hello- and there he was. :) He's still hanging around back there, talking to the guys, watching me.. if he stays around for a few more days, I'll add his bio to the "who's who?" post. He's made friends with Mitsarumi, and sleeps in her room. A bit odd in my opinion, but... :P he can do what he likes.

Then Friday. Not so good at first, because my team lost horribly at badminton and I was crying because we'd only won one game... embarrassing, but I was upset. Gym teacher said he was happy that I cared so much, and to try not to be sad, since we'd given one team their first win, which was a little okay, but I still wanted to win. Meh.

MYA was BEAUTIFUL. Ben had some other friends there that he was talking to, so I hung out with two other kids. (Not going to say names for privacy purposes.) One was a MtF who I'd wanted to say hello to last week, but didn't get a chance to, and one was a kid who I've known for a while but never really spent much time with either. He mentioned he was thinking about being MtF, too. I felt really good, being able to talk to so many people about it, and something was cool- when I mentioned being trans, the girl said that she hadn't known I was. I asked her what she had thought I was, and she said "I don't know- you just seemed like neither" or something along those lines. Felt great.

So I talked with her for a while, and she took me to the cafe afterwards. Asked her a lot about her experience, and we ended up trading numbers... I'd never met an MtF before, and it was just so weird to think about for me. I messed up a little bit in my terminology and felt a little embarrassed, but I don't think she got mad at me, which was a relief. <.< I hope she's there next time, too. Love talking to her.

Then finally, today. Went out with my dad's girlfriend to get nails done... Not exactly something I love to do, especially with the whole trans thing going on right now- was a little embarrassed about not having shaved legs, but she didn't mind at all. (And I didn't even have to explain myself. Another relief.) Like pedicures, 'cause my feet don't bleed like my hands do. And I didn't even have to get polish put on. That was nice. When they were done, she gave me a short massage- George came out for that, and he really liked it. Afterwards, we went out for dinner, which was very good.. coming home was fun- Beatles came on the radio, and then we saw the car in front of us playing a Speed Racer episode on the backseat DVD player... god I miss that show. :P ...and now I'm finally home, very sleepy and planning on curling up with an old video game and a book until bedtime. Probably will hang out with the guys, too- they're very active right now.

We have to go now, but it feels great "catching up." We'll see you guys tomorrow. :)

 So. Got my bite plate today. At first, it was extremely horrible, and I wanted nothing more than to throw it at the dentists and leave the damn place. Teeth don't touch, they're sore now (though they weren't earlier) and I've got a lisp. Kept asking them "how am I supposed to eat if my teeth don't touch?" and they didn't answer me. All I got out of them was "you'll learn how." Bull. I mean, yeah- I just had cereal, and it was easier than I thought it would be, but that's no answer. Hate it when they're like that. Which is pretty much all the time.

Sigh. So I got home and immediately got in the shower, feeling really pissed off. Had a conversation with the guys (I know I've said this before, but I really think some of our best conversations take place there :P) about it, and somehow Paul/John/George/William shifted my view from "screw them, I'm not wearing it" to "that's what they want you to do. show them you're tougher than that and suck it up. kick those braces' ass, and be the best damn kid they've seen." So.. maybe a little more rudely phrased than Paul and I would like, but... :P I am feeling better. Teeth are sore, like I said, and the plastic taste is kinda strange when I'm eating, but... it's a heck of a lot better than the palate expander. And the good thing about this is that food won't get stuck between it and the roof of my mouth. (Now if only that damn lisp would go away. I'm not wearing it on Friday if it hasn't so I don't sound like an idiot for Spanish oral exam.)

Now, the last thing annoying me about it is, I'm not quite sure what the heck it's for. Don't think it can really fix an overbite without attaching to the bottom. Thought that's what rubber bands were for, anyway. I thought it was so I didn't bite the lower braces off, but I don't have any yet, and I'm not seeing them until March. :/ Do any of you understand this? It must be doing *something*, 'cause my teeth wouldn't be hurting if it wasn't.

Anyway, that's enough for my rant today. Au revoir!

 for helping me with math this week. Had a horrible couple of days when I forgot *everything* we were doing, and expected to fail the test on Friday. Thursday/Friday they helped jog my memory, and we worked together on the test- I knew how to do all but two problems. Very happy, though hoping this doesn't happen again. We can work together pretty well, but it's better when we don't forget it in the first place. :P

In other news, finally had MYA last night. Hadn't seen anybody for three weeks, and all my good friends were there. There were a couple of new people there, which was nice, though I'm not sure if we're going to see them again (they're on a road trip, I think), and I'm sad about that 'cause I wanted to talk to them more. Lots of people remembered me, even when I didn't remember them (a little embarrassing, but still happy they knew me)- one guy remembered me and my first MYA, even though he hadn't been there since June or so. Pretty cool. Exchanged numbers with one person, which I'd been wanting to do... and the cafe afterwards was awesome. Just a very good night.

We're having a very good week, and I hope this continues. I love feeling happy/productive. See you guys later. :)

A bit late, but happy new year, everybody. :) We've been busy the past few days- school started again today, and Ritchie got loaded with homework. Wouldn't've been too bad, except John was out on the chatroom and had to do the math homework... took a lot longer than it should've, and he complained through the whole thing.

New Years Eve itself was nice. We went over to a friend's house for a sleepover, and had a lot of fun. Watched Yellow Submarine- surprisingly, the friends liked it by the end. I was out for a lot of it. Surprised Ritchie let me, seeing as it's his friends, but I suppose we were co-fronting. Made a cake and got sick after gorging ourselves on it... Asking for it, John would say. About midnight, Geo and I went to bed, but Ritchie says they stayed up 'till three or so. I remember they left the window wide open, and we were sick the next day (nothing too bad, just a cough). Stupidity. :P

In other news, we finally got started in the Beatles roleplay Ritchie joined a couple'v weeks back. I'm doing a thread with someone playing Maureen... 's a bit odd, an' makes me a bit nervous, but I think it's going to be a lot of fun. :) Geo wants to get a turn at some point. He'll have to start typing with better grammar if he does that. *blushes as thought is heard* Sorry, Geo.

...Anyway, it's getting to be our bedtime, unfortunately. (John: Hate school nights. Hate 'em with a passion.) So we're going t' go brush our teeth and head off to bed. We'll see you all soon. :)

~Ringo

It's really very odd, the effect this new music is having on us. It's still us, but *we* haven't done it yet, so it's strange to know what we're capable of. Doesn' seem to be bothering Rings too much, but John got all upset a couple'f nights ago. Even after Ritch turned the music off he was out of sorts for a while. Paul was lyin' down with 'im for a while... dunno what they were talking about, though.

It's been bothering me jus' a little bit. I mean, I like the new stuff, an' it's something different to listen to. But yeah, it's hitting a certain chord, so to speak, that makes me feel a bit... wrong. A little sad, I guess. S'pose we'll either get over it or get used to it. Hope it's the first- don't really want to feel sad listening to my own stuff.

Nothing important, just wanted to muse for a bit. 'M gonna go let John an' Paul play that game of theirs. See you all later.

~George

 Hey, it's Yusuke. Haven't posted in a while. Firstly, wanted to say happy birthday to Koenma. We didn't make him anything this year- Ritchie felt kinda guilty about that, but we could probably find something for him tomorrow. Since we got so much money/gift cards, we're probably going to the book store or something. I slept in this morning with Koenma, so I can't say much about how the morning went. Gonna let somebody else take a turn.

Hey, Paul now. Morning started out slowly, opening stocking presents and such- got lots of candy and a new puzzle-, and around breakfasttime, we opened presents. Ritch got the stereo remasters he'd wanted- knew he was getting them, but still went nuts over it- and some other little Beatles things, like a pin and small lunchbox to put candy in. Got a guitar capo, which he doesn't quite know how to use (we'll have to show him, I suppose), and then we had to wait until the dad's girlfriend got there to open the presents from her. In the meantime, we listened to our new music and I helped with the cleaning for the party. John did more distracting than helping, but of course he wouldn't admit to that. :P

Party itself was good. Had a lot of people over- Ritchie hung out with his cousin (who really seems to be like his twin- she likes practically everything he does) and they talked for a couple hours. They opened the rest of the presents- got three Beatles shirts (and it's really very strange seeing/hearing yourself so many times in two days), and some earrings. Nothing particularly exciting for me- if we go out to buy things tomorrow, I think I'll get some albums of ours and maybe a book.

Raining now, unfortunately- snow's melting. We're all really tired, so probably just going to stay up for a little while longer. George says Happy Christmas, as do the rest of us. Hope you all had a good day.

~Paul/Yusuke

Went out on a walk in the snow. Oh, I've missed it so much. ..Not the being so cold you want to cut off your nose for running part, but I'd forgotten how lovely snow looked. Went around the neighborhood, listening to music, thinking... (done mostly by Ritchie. The rest of us were having fun.) Rings got a bit too cold, so he's inside now, having hot chocolate, I think. Paulie wants to go out and play soon, maybe having a snowball fight. I might do it. Some of the others seem interested now, too, and I'd like a chance to get to know them better. Haven't talked much with them.

Watched their show earlier. Made me laugh quite a bit, seeing how strange it is, but then when I compare it with our movies... guess I can't really talk. :P Going to play that internet game for a little longer (I'm getting just as addicted as Paul, now), and then we'll go out to play. Hoping to do some roleplaying tonight, or at least watch Ritchie do some. I'm curious. :3

~John

Things are going a lot better lately. My chest is still sore, but less so than yesterday. School went really well yesterday, and one thing made my day. Coming back from lunch, I'm walking by this one kid who turns to his friend and says in a low voice, "is that a guy or a girl?" That hasn't happened at school before, and I felt really good. :)
 
Last night was fun. We went to a party at dad's girlfriend's house. Lots of people were there... Joe and I hung out with the cats for a while, and I talked with a few people. ...It's starting to be confusing/worrysome for me, meeting new people, because I don't know what name I want to introduce myself as, or what gender I want people to see me as. When I'm with family, I really should go by Sarah, but it's irritating.

We got home around midnight, and I just fell right into bed. Got up a little over an hour ago, and there's snow everywhere. :D Still snowing, and we're supposed to get at least 6 inches, I think. Have a lot of work to do this weekend, mostly writing/language related. But John wants to play WoW a little (he's finally getting back into it), so we'll just hang out for a bit. See you guys later. :)

(Mentions minor girl-related problems, letting you know.)
I feel like SUCH an idiot today. The day started off all right- I was rushing, even though I had plenty of time- it felt like productive rushing. Was feeling good, could actually breathe... got to the bus stop... and realized I forgot to put a bra on. There wasn't time to go back and get one... so I went to school anyway. It was a shortened day (1:15 instead of 2:20), so I didn't think it'd be a problem.

I forgot I had gym. Jump rope, running, and volleyball. By the end of class, it was painful to breathe. At the time, wasn't sure why- thought I had a heart/lung/rib problem at first, because it only hurt over the left side of my chest, and only when I breathed in. It was painful to breathe for the rest of the day, and even though I'm home now, properly dressed, lying on my back, it still hurts like a bitch. (Pardon my language.) Like, hurts so bad I flopped down on the couch immediately with tears in my eyes, hurt. I didn't think small ones would hurt so bad. >.< Hope I didn't tear anything...?

Anyway, besides that, school went okay. I went to the French room today- got French 1 materials, and I'm going to study that course on my own so I can take French 2 next year, along with Spanish 4. (I'm annoyed I have to wait till next year for Spanish, but... meh.) Also showed my Spanish teacher a Beatles song I'd translated from English to Spanish, and she said it looked good. (Had to fix some minor things.) I'm really proud. :D

Just realized I'm going to have such a busy summer this year. I'm going to be studying both Spanish/French/hopefully Japanese at the tech school, I want to get a part-time job, and then there's all the personal stuff, like writing, socializing, and music. Hooray for things to do! -_-

*sigh* I'm gonna lie down for a bit and see if I feel any better. See you guys later.

,,,doing a normal post. Finally. :P

*sniff* Breathing's been hard today. We're back with the bunny, an' the medicine didn't start working until a few hours after we took it. (That's how it works, I know... but we rubbed our lip raw with tissues before we could breathe right. Hate allergies.) So we're a little sore, but overall good. Better'n being actually sick, y'know.

I got to sleep in with Geo today, but Ritchie got woken up by the rabbit pretty early- it got mad 'cause we hadn't fed it yet. (it's still strange sharing a name with him. Keep thinking 'm talking about me. *laughs*) That was lovely, and I started paying attention 'bout the time... we were gettin' our hair cut, I think. Shorter than usual, now, but about the length of mine...? I like it, but looking forward to it growing out jus' a little bit. Edges are a bit too perfect, and it doesn't quite "fit" right yet. *shrug*

Went shopping with the mother.. who's been in a kinda lousy mood- she had to go to the hospital to get her migraines checked out a few days ago, so I don' blame her, but it's awkward to be around her sometimes. Me an' Paul were switching places every couple minutes. :/

Didn't do much this afternoon- mostly just hung out with Geo while Paul played that internet game he likes so much. Ritchie's procrastinating from writing, though he got more done than he was expecting the last hour or so. He wants to finish this one "one-shot" so he can get back to the main fanfic and novel. (Ritchie: Though that's a bit of a dream by this point. Dunno WHEN I'm gonna get back to that until this fanfic's done.. -_-)

Listening to Spanish music at the moment- I don't understand much at all, but Ritchie and the lads are getting some of it, I think. ...and now John's dancing. Ah, love my friends. Gonna go join now, see if I can get Geo or the kids to dance with me. ;D I'll see you all later.

~Ringo

Well, things'v been busy lately. School's been utter misery, what with tests and boring classes, and the other kids, and the past two/three days I can't stop thinking about getting shot, and the paranoia's going to everybody else. *shiver* Just lovely. Not sure why it's bothering me so much- it's not *me* that died, an' I can't die that way now, even if I wanted to. It's like my second-cousin-three-universes-removed got killed and it's making me think it was me. Eh. It bothered Geo on his death-day, it can bother me on mine.

Anyroad, not what I'm focusing on here. Like I said, school's been misery. Ritchie keeps having these two kids try and set him up with this one boy who he really doesn't care for... ordinarily, he says, he'd just laugh it off, say no, and ignore'em. But they keep doing it, an' the one girl's trying to insist, saying that he's got to "take care of those sexual urges." ....First off, missy, y'don't know us very well, so isn't that being a bit presumptuous? (Paul: Not to mention completely inappropriate.) ...Well, I could care less about it being inappropriate. They're teenagers, they're bound to talk about it. Just... the least you can do is believe us, y'know. I wouldn't mind so much if it didn't feel like they were laughing at us. Why're they so insisting unless they're to get something out of it? So yeah, I'm getting a little pissed.

Gotta go an' finish getting ready for school now. Jus' wanted to check in, since it'd been a while since I'd written anything. *waves to everybody*

Last night was awesome. MYA was a small group, with people I knew really well, so I did a lot more talking. Brendan wasn't there, but that's okay. I probably was more social than I would have been if he'd been there. There were a few occasions where the mod called me Sarah and one of my friends said "she" once, but for the most part I got called by my preferred name, so I was happy. We did an activity where we wrote down things that "drove us crazy" and we got to rant about them. It was fun, and I made a few people laugh, which felt good. :)

The cafe was fun too. Got to talk about writing with two guys, and I think we're going to be emailing each other our stuff. Always love reading other peoples' work. :)

And finally, the end of the night felt awesome. I was walking back to the church from the cafe to wait for my dad, and I'm going by this group of guys on the corner. As I pass by, I hear one of them say "and that's a... chick- I can't tell." So that made the night.

Now I'm a little nervous.. I'm going to my first recital in two hours.. I'm not too worried about the drums one. I haven't been able to practice as much, no, but at least I don't have to sing anything. Then I have a few hours between that and the guitar one- probably going to go have something to eat. Scared about guitar. Have to sing. Hope I don't chicken out or screw up. >.< I'll probably tell you guys all about it when I get home. Until then, see you!

EDIT: The recitals went *beautifully.* I might have been the oldest or tied for that at the drums one, and the only female-bodied. It was a little embarrassing, having all the younger kids rocking out and doing complicated stuff while I'm playing simple little Beatles song (We can work it out), but... :P I was proud that I didn't mess up at all.

Went out for lunch after that, then hung out at mom's apartment until the next one. Was a LOT more freaked out for the guitar, since I was singing. Practiced that song countless times today, and it paid off. I sang and played, and apparently did awesome. I think my voice was kinda bleh and shaky, but my mom loved it. I'm just happy I didn't mess up too bad out of nerves. Sad my dad didn't get to see them, but... *shrug* It's been a good day. Let's hope things keep going well. :)

The doctor's confusing me, and I'm feeling a bit frustrated. Talked with her about recent developments on Tuesday, and I'm irritated because she still doesn't agree with me, and I'm not sure how to convince her. (At the same time, not quite sure why I need to convince her of anything, except for my sense of winning.. maybe it'd help my parents accept it if she agrees? *rolls eyes* I don't know.) I made sure to try and explain to her that what she thought I was talking about last time is NOT what I'm thinking. She thought, from what I've told her, that I'm just wanting to be a guy because I think I'll somehow gain abilities I don't have, or that things'll be easier.

UM. What? I *never* said that. ..Okay, maybe I think some things will be easier as a guy, but I know being a transguy will make things a bit harder for me. But I know that changing the body's sex is not going to change me as a person, and apart from wishing for more social skills, I don't want to change.

Then another thing was, I told her about going by the new name at mya, and changing my name on facebook. She's okay with it at mya, but she was asking why I changed it online. Am I trying to ask my friends to call me something different? And I told her that yeah, eventually I'd like them to call me Ritchie. I said I wouldn't make them do it if it bothered them, and I wouldn't ask for it anytime soon, but she didn't like that for some reason...

And she keeps going on about the body. I keep telling her, how am I supposed to know if I want it if I don't know what it's like? but she doesn't seem to consider that a valid argument. From what I'm hearing, unless I'm completely miserable, longing for the other body, having this impact every facet of my existence, it doesn't count. But what I'm trying to tell HER is, I don't want to be miserable about it, because it won't change anything. I don't see the point in longing after a body which I'm not gonna have- even if I ever decided on surgery, it won't be exactly like a real male. I'm choosing instead to desire the parts that I know will happen- if I take hormones, which I'm less scared of than surgery, I'll get a different voice, facial hair (though I think that'll squick me out for a little bit), and my periods will *stop.* (At least, I think so on that last one.) Why do I have to be miserable, if that's not going to help me? I don't even know how old I have to be to do anything.

But the thing is... the biggest sticking point is that she wonders why I feel I have to change anything. Why can't I just express myself as me? Well... I *can* talk, act, dress (for the most part) how I want, but that's not going to change how other people see me. I want other people to look at me and register me as male in their mind, and treat me as such. And even though I've had some success as I am, if I had just a little deeper voice and a binder, it would be an amazing help. If I was on hormones and had facial hair to shave, it'd be better still. I want to do *something*, but... I don't know how to get anywhere. I want to ask my dad about it, but he's been acting a little more uncomfortable this past month. (I know it's a weird thing to hear your daughter say, but... *sigh*)

And another thing that bothers me is that everybody (okay, just the adults, but you know what I mean) is asking me why I wanna be a guy. I don't know. I mean, there was the not liking being a girl, being a guy seems more attractive kind of thing, but more and more lately, people calling me a girl has been annoying and being called a guy is exciting.. (though that may just be because I'm fooling with people..) I keep having dreams I'm a guy, which is a little weird, but okay.. but at the same time- for example, I'll be talking to my rabbit, and I'll say "do you love your big sister?" or something along those lines. It feels a little wrong sometimes to say I'm a boy, or whenever I say my new name at mya.. I mean, obviously it's not the outward truth, but.. feels like I'm being "bad" sometimes. :/ But it just feels "right" to want to be a guy. Just fits better. I can tell stories of me pretending to be a boy when I was little- it's true, I did it, but I just never read more into it until I got to be a teen. Does that mean I don't count? Sex related things just never mattered to me, and especially not relating to my own body. If I don't want to make love to a woman as a man, am I not a guy? That's what *she* said. I say it's bull because I'm mad, but I don't really know. Just want someone to give me all the answers, y'know? So yeah. Feeling frustrated.

Happy birthday, Itsuki! :)
Should be doing my homework, should be writing... journaling instead. :P (Hey, I got my spanish homework done! Just... don't feel like doing math yet.)

Anyway, today went alright. Got out of school an hour early, which was nice... 'cept I had ortho this afternoon. Just got a new wire on the top, nothing fancy.. I'm getting impatient for them to put the bottom ones on, but... meh. In a month I go back, and then two weeks after *that* I get my bite plate. That's not gonna be fun, I don't think. :/

Then when I got home, I'd forgotten my brother had left for a doctor's appointment, so I was locked out of the apartment. Thankfully the people who run the place let me in, but that was really annoying. And now my teeth are feeling sore, but *only on one side!* Ugh... It'd been so long since we'd changed the wire, I'd forgotten.

On a happier note, we discovered something funny today. During gym, we're playing basketball. I don't feel like playing, and so I'm walking around the court, not really doing anything... and 'pon de replay' comes on the radio. Now, I like the song, but don't think too much of it- I can feel John cocking his head inside, listening. After a minute of him fidgeting, he finally comes out and starts playing/dancing a little bit to the music. I suppose he really liked it, because he made me listen to it on my ipod three times on the ride home. I find it a little bit funny, and can't keep from laughing out loud when he starts dancing, but I'm glad he's found something entertaining. Just hope he can keep quiet enough for me to get some writing done.

I guess that's the update for now. Gonna go finally do some work and hope that the hay allergies go down a little. See you guys later.